Bereavement counselling

There is no right way to grieve

Grief is the natural response to losing someone or something that mattered to you. There is no right way to do it and no timetable you should be keeping to, whatever other people may say.

Maybe you are surprised by how physical it feels: the exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix, or the fog that makes it hard to concentrate. Maybe you feel guilty for laughing, or angry with people who seem to have moved on. Perhaps you feel numb, and worry that you aren’t grieving “properly”. All of these are common, and none of them mean you are doing it wrong.

Researchers describe grieving as a movement back and forth: between turning towards the loss and turning towards everyday life, with breaks from both. So having a good day and then being knocked sideways again is part of how grief works, not a sign that you have gone backwards.

Many people also keep a bond with the person who has died, perhaps talking to them, wondering what they would say, or carrying their memory into new parts of life. Many people find this comforting, and it is now understood that you don’t have to let go of that bond in order to grieve well.

Loss comes in many forms

Grief doesn’t only follow a death. You may be grieving the end of a relationship, a pregnancy, a pet, your own health, or a parent who is still alive but changed by dementia or illness. Some losses aren’t recognised by the people around you, which can make them feel even lonelier to carry.

In counselling there is no hierarchy of loss. Whatever you have lost, your grief is welcome.

When grief feels stuck

For most people, the pain of grief gradually softens and changes shape, even if it never fully goes away. For some, it stays as raw as in the early days and makes ordinary life very hard. The World Health Organization now recognises this as prolonged grief disorder: intense longing and pain that carry on for an unusually long time (at least six months, and longer than is usual in your culture) and affect daily life.

If your grief feels stuck, it isn’t a weakness or a failure to cope. It often has to do with the nature of the loss, such as a sudden or traumatic death, or a complicated relationship with the person who died. It is something we can work with together.

How counselling can help

Therapy can give you somewhere to bring all of it: the sadness, the guilt, the anger, and the days when you feel fine and then feel bad for feeling fine. You don’t have to worry about upsetting me or put on a brave face.

We can explore things that were left unsaid, feelings you didn’t expect, and how the loss has changed the way you see yourself and your future. The aim isn’t to “move on” or to forget, but to find a way to carry your loss as part of your life, rather than being weighed down by it.